Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Just Breathe

You know that feeling you get when you need to talk to someone about something but you don’t want to. That conversation that you want to put off as long as you can until you really just need to have it out. That discussion that is oh so dreadful and scary that you become anxious, you start sweating, your heart is racing a thousand miles an hour. Those words that you’ve rehearsed a thousand times in every place imaginable; you even get to the point where you write it out and you read over it again and again and again. And then… You finally say it. It’s out there and it feels like the whole world knows you said it. It’s too late now. You’ve already said it. It’s out there in the universe and you can’t take it back. You want to take it back though. You’re screaming inside! Yelling! WHY DID I JUST DO THAT? I’m an idiot. I should’ve just kept it to myself. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should just apologize and take it back. Beg them to ignore what you just said. Tell them you were kidding. Yeah that’s it! It was a joke! Ha ha. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. It’s going to be okay. But it’s not. It’s not okay at all. You needed to have it out. You can’t take it anymore! Whatever it was has been taking a toll on your life and every time you think of it, it makes you nervous. You just want them to know, that’s it. You just want them to know. Deep breaths. You can do this.

Then you wait. You wait for a response. That awful period where you have to just wait and do nothing else but wait. You become more nervous. More yelling. OH GOD, WHY COULDN’T I JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF? That moment where you physically struggle to keep yourself together for however long it takes them to get back to you. Then you start praying. Praying that they will understand why you said what you said and help you figure out a way to solve the problem. Hoping that they won’t be mad. Oh lord, that would be bad if they were mad. So mad that it took DAYS to respond. How will I live through days of no response? IT’S EATING ME ALIVE! Please respond. It’s the weak moment. The moment where they have all the control and whatever decision they make is the decision that sticks. No compromise. No compromise at all? Please can we figure something out? That fear that you’re going to lose the person and you don’t want to. Then you start feeling more panicked. DAMNIT, I SHOULD HAVE JUST KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT. 

You finally get a response. But you don’t know what the response is just yet, because you haven’t read or listened to it all the way through. Your rationalizing in your head, this can go either extremely well or it could be completely opposite of what you were hoping for. Breathe. It’s going to be okay. It will pass. You keep reading or listening. You’re trying to comprehend what their saying. You keep interrupting to help them understand that you meant the best and you didn’t mean it. Well you did but you didn’t mean to say it the way you did. You just needed to get it out. But they’re still not done talking to you. They’re telling you what their thinking. They’re going through what you just went through before you told them. They rehearsed. They wrote. They thought long and hard before they spoke to you. That’s why it took so long. But you’re not listening you’re just praying that they won’t be so upset with you. You’re still wishing that you can just go back in time and take it all back. And you miss it. You miss what they say and you’re still over-thinking it. “LISTEN TO ME! IT’S OKAY! I GET IT!” “Wait what, you’re not mad? Well that’s fantastic!” Another deep breath. “I’m sorry, I know it’s a tedious conversation, we’re okay?” “Of course.” Breathe. Sigh of relief. Smile. Laugh. Done. 


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