I don’t know why I feel so secluded. Sometimes I think I do it to myself, but I can’t help it. In this world, in this day and age- can you blame me? Seclusion. It feels safe. It’s the right thing to do, but maybe it’s not. Would you judge me if I secluded myself? Alone from the world, it’s all I know. It’s all I really want to know. Why should I put my trust into someone? What do they owe me to listen, to care, to understand, to sympathize? Nothing. Nothing at all. That’s the whole point though. What if I were to put my trust into someone and they weren’t there? I’m scared to find out.
I went to a class one day- it was a water aerobics class. It was my birthday that day, you know, one of those days that are supposed to be a good day no matter what? Everyone is supposed to wish you happy birthday and be nice to you, but that wasn’t the case. No, instead everyone was talking to each other. No one was talking to me- I tried to talk too. I made an attempt to de-seclude myself. I had to, it was my birthday and I wanted to be happy. So I tried. But no one noticed. Everyone swam and exercised with each other and left me out. I watched from the outside as they enjoyed and smiled and laughed- on my birthday.
I dated a boy once, he liked me and I liked him. It was interesting relationship. Yes, yes it was. He secluded himself like I did. We went on a couple of dates; we went to the movies a lot. The movies don’t require talking much. None at all really. I saw a lot of movies that summer. We also went to Applebee’s a lot- they have good food there. We ate there almost every week. But I don’t know what happened. We kind of just drifted apart. I guess he was scared of what I was scared of too. Being hurt. But I guess our relationship wasn’t a typical one because we didn’t talk much. We ate and watched movies and that was the extent of that relationship.
The door is currently closed. Closed from the rest of the world. I opened it, but the world closed it back up. I guess it doesn’t want me in its conversation, in its life, in the world it calls its own. That’s ok though. The world doesn’t owe me anything and I don’t owe it anything. Frankly, I like not owing the world anything- keeping a clear conscience. What’s the point anyways? What will I get in return- some friends that won’t keep in touch, some relationship that’s bound to end and some memories that will fade away? Is it really worth it to eventually be left alone again?
I don’t know why I feel so secluded. I know I do it to myself, but I can’t help it. In this world, in this day and age- can you blame me? It feels safe. It’s all I know, it’s all I want to know. Is that so wrong? To keep to myself and not trust anyone- it’s safe. I like safe. Don’t you like safe?